I wish my penis had an off switch
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
