I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
