so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
