i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
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Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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