Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
