our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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