If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
