Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
