The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
