Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
