I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
