She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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