the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize