i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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