Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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