So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Farmville is her only friend.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
