My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There r osticjed everywhere
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
