I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
