How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
