It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
