this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
