please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
