How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
