Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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