You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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