After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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