somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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