i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
