I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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