a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
