I just saw a hot homeless man
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
