btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
