Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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