I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
