Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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