I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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