apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
