she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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