He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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