I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
