There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's blow job season.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
