Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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