I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
