dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
never play flip cup with pint glasses
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
