Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Are my feet made of real feet?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
