I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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