My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
