no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.