I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
