Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
