That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
