i think my tv is drunk
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
