I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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