I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
