i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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